"D" : Transforming "Deficit" into a scenic "Detour"

This week in class, one of my fellow students shared with us the concept of the Monkey Trap.

If a monkey puts its hand into a small opening to grab a morsel of food or other choice item and the opening is small enough that its fist won't come back through when the fist is closed, the monkey will not let go and is trapped.  As we were discussing this phenomenon, I privately asked myself: what is MY monkey trap?  Is there anything I'm holding onto that I just can't seem to let go of?

I knew the answer almost immediately.

I remember as a child in elementary school how I felt when my teacher would call out my name and scold me publicly for not listening, catching me completely by surprise.  I would look up and see that ALL of the other students had their books out and were awaiting further instructions.  I was often caught unawares like this, not absorbing the instructions being given by my teachers or not turning in assignments when they were due, and was often humiliated.  Each time it happened I was told that it was my fault for not listening carefully enough, and I believed them.  My best efforts to listen and understand were not enough.  It was all my fault.

I was not enough.

What made it worse was my propensity for perfectionism (squirrel: alliteration is awesome).  I always started my school year with enthusiasm, eagerly looking forward to what I was going to learn that year.  I wanted to do everything just right.  I wanted to absorb every last particle of information that I could, become super smart, win a scholarship to a prestigious university and eventually graduate with honors with a degree in something cool.  Then I would land a job where I would get to wear a white lab coat and tennis shoes and speak with a German accent while I plotted to destroy Superman and take over the world.

(slight exaggeration there... but only just)

I looked up to the "smart" and "clever" kids, some of whom were my friends, who excelled academically and athletically.  I wanted to be like them, but I couldn't seem to break out of that B average and I couldn't figure out how to get involved in the sports programs.  This made me really frustrated.  I still blamed myself for all of that, but in addition I found myself blaming the system.  I assumed if I worked hard and did my best, things would come together for me and I would achieve my goals.

The system didn't work for me that way, so I listened willingly when others suggested to me that the system was broken.  But how I translated that ended up sounding more like "I must not be good enough to excel in it."

As is true for all students, some teachers loved me, some didn't, and some were just jerks.  I remember my choir teacher giving me a present on his last day as our teacher.  We all got something from him that was supposed to represent what he saw in each one of us.  My gift was a package of Air Heads candy.  I got angry later, thinking about that day, but at the time I was just embarrassed. But then, secretly, I knew he was right.

I was not responsible enough.  I didn't deserve respect.

When I became an adult and learned about ADD, I experienced a major breakthrough.  I began to understand how my brain worked for the first time in my life.  I found others who I could relate to. And yet, despite this breakthrough, I still hadn't resolved my guilty feelings properly.  After I finally understood how ADD had been affecting my life, for years I kept circulating through the first four stages of mourning:

1. Denial (there's no such thing as ADD - Everyone struggles with this - you're just not good enough to figure out how to manage)

2. Anger (why can't I overcome this - it's not fair - what's wrong with ME)

3. Bargaining (PLEASE take this trial away Lord - make me whole - I swear on this pile of kryptonite that I will use my superpowers only for good and not for the purposes of evil), and finally

4. Depression (I can't accomplish what I want to in life.  I'll never be good enough.  I don't deserve respect.)

Then I would cycle back to "denial" and start the whole destructive process over again.  I kept trying to transition into "acceptance" but I could never stay there very long.  I had a LOT of faith in God and I believed in the healing power of the atonement, but I couldn't resolve seeing how other people were blessed and healed when I couldn't seem to find that same healing myself.  This just solidified in my mind that mantra of not being good enough.  How could I change that way of thinking when my weaknesses kept placing me in the role of hurtful, uncaring friend and/or just annoyingly clueless and irresponsible human being?  ADD had isolated me from who I wanted to be and I was constantly being worn down and tired out by the endless cycle of mourning about it.

I eventually grew tired of blaming myself.  I wanted someone else to blame.

Without realizing what I was doing at the time, I began transferring that blame away from myself. Only it didn't seem to transfer very cleanly; it just kinda spread out, all messy-like.  So now in addition to being impatient with myself, I was becoming even MORE impatient with my family, especially my poor spouse.  I was constantly placing the blame on him when things did not go the way I wanted them to (translation: "perfectly").  I found myself withdrawing from those who didn't seem to understand what I was feeling - I was, in a way, blaming them for not understanding me perfectly.  I saw my struggle to do basic mom things as someone else's fault.  I'm not sure who I was blaming there, but it really didn't matter.  Despite all of this messy guilt transference, I still fell short of my expectations regularly.  So I blamed ADD.  Yet comfort still eluded me and guilt was my constant companion.  I tried and I tried to pray it away, but that never worked.  I'm ashamed to admit this, but I think I even blamed God at times for not helping me to overcome my weaknesses.  I was so tired of carrying the guilt around, even after I'd managed to pawn it off elsewhere, but it just. wouldn't. come. off!

...that is, until this week when I was told a silly story about foolish monkeys.

As I pondered what my monkey trap was, I experienced a moment of revelation and self-clarity.  I realized for the first time that I have been holding onto that guilt all my life.  Looking back on my life, I can see that even when I knew WHY I couldn't accomplish what I had wanted to so I could earn the respect that I craved, I hadn't really changed my way of thinking about myself.  And when I tried to apply the atonement to my life, it wouldn't stick because I had covered myself in gooey, slimy guilt.

And the solution was so simple; so "Disney" even.

All I had to do was let it go.

It's taken me 39 years.  I'm married to my amazingly-custom-fitted-for-me husband.  I'm the mother of 5 beautiful and fascinating children.  I have a large family and many friends who love and support me.  I've had many adventures and amazing experiences where I was able to grow and progress as a person.  And now I'm back in school, facing my demons, so I can finally finish the college degree I wanted back when I was in elementary school.

I've come full circle.

So yes, despite how much I've been through and what I've learned, I've only just discovered this week that I was STILL holding onto the false premise - my own personal monkey trap - of that guilty little morsel called "I'm not good enough".

Well Miss Lizzy, today I've got news for you.  I'm exercising my faith and I'm letting go of the guilt.

Because I AM good enough.  I AM smart enough.  And doggonit, people like me (couldn't resist that).

True, the school system didn't work out ideally for me, but that's...okay.

True, people weren't always kind to me and don't always get me, but that's...okay.

I'm not perfect.  I can't do everything (I know because I've tried). I've set myself up for despair trying to be perfect at everything, all the time.  ADD, it turns out, has been a protection, keeping me far from the edge of even the appearance of being perfect in my own mind.  Even if someone else thought I was perfect at something or did everything right, I had that constant check on my pride from carrying around with me that ADD mirror.  Struggling with a weakness that I could not overcome has taught me compassion and empathy.  I have been able to comfort and encourage without difficulty when I came across others who were hurting because I understood what it felt like.

Clearly the Lord has been compensating me for those things that I could not do by blessing me with more than I'd been seeking to begin with.  I am confident - I have more faith now - that he will continue to do so, wherever the need may arise.  He is making me into the person HE wants me to become.

And so today I can say, without any hesitation - I AM ENOUGH - because the Savior loves me.  He loved me enough to experience the atonement so he could bridge that massive gap between what I can do on my own and who I need to become.

He even loved me enough to give me the gift of being ADD.

It's been a long, scary roller coaster ride, to be sure.  I just need to have faith, let go of the guilt, and enjoy this scenic detour I'm taking through life.

"A" Attitude is everything (or at least a good 82% of everything)

As a member of the LDS church, the scriptures play a key role in my life and I study them “oft”. 

Squirrel moment: I like that word, “oft”.  It rhymes with “loft”.  And as we all know “loft” is just a letter shy of “lofty” which suits anyone going around saying things like “oft” instead of “often”.

And so I’ve been studying the Book of Mormon this week, looking for “lofty” ideas and impressions on how to cope with the challenges we’ve been experiencing in our family.  To summarize, Nephi went through some pretty rough times but he kept focusing on his Faith and on staying positive.  He talks a lot about his blessings, even as he’s experiencing what one might consider to be a dearth of worldly comforts.  In comparison, his elder brothers’ approach is to focus on what they don’t have and to spend the majority of the time either complaining or trying to kill Nephi, probably because whiners really hate to be around that one guy who’s happy all the time. 

As I’ve studied I’ve been impressed with the attitude displayed in Nephi’s version of events in the wilderness compared with his brothers’ version.  It’s pretty clear that Nephi was a glass-half-full kind of guy, whereas his two eldest brothers were not only glass-half-empty but were in fact glass-not-only-empty-but-also-spilled-where-it-was-dropped-and-shattered-on-the-floor-by-your-sweet-little-nine-year-old-with-pieces-everywhere-and-no-hope-of-ever-sweeping-up-every-last-little-shard-which-means-I’ll-find-them-when-I-come-into-the-kitchen-barefoot-tonight-to-get-a-drink...

Not that I’ve been finding myself relating more with the elder brothers when it comes to dealing with family life, especially ADD family life.  Of COURSE I can completely relate with Nephi’s positive attitude in all things!    Just ask anyone and they’ll tell you what a bright little Pollyanna I am.

Anyone: “Meh”

Okay, fine, I confess I could show some improvement in the positive thinking department.

That brings me back to the reason I’m blogging about this tonight.  As I’ve studied the scriptures and discussed these thoughts with others, I’ve found some fabulous quotes and ideas that I wanted to share.  I share this not only with the hope that someone out there might benefit, but also so that these concepts might stick with me better by sharing them.  Here is what I’ve learned, in no particular order:

         - “I will make weak things become strong unto them.” – Book of Mormon, Ether 12:27

To me this means that everything we struggle thorough as a family, including those issues that crop up with ADD, is given to us for the benefit of ourselves and our family.  Great, so how can I help this process happen for us?

         -  “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.” – Henry Ford

So it’s being impressed on me how attitude is the first step in the right direction towards positive change.  I’ve always known this was true, but lately it’s as if it’s being etched into my heart.  Why is that?  It’s not enough just to know something is true if we’re not able to live it.  So what is making this impression permanent for me?

         - “Great believers have the attitude that they can learn.” – Henry J. Eyring

This association between belief and attitude was brought home to me not only by this quote, but also by observing the difference that I mentioned earlier between Nephi and his elder brothers.  Another way to say this would be to quote the apostle James: “Faith without works is dead”, which to me is just another way of illustrating the difference between people who casually believe, as though they were in standby mode, versus people who actively believe what they profess to believe.  That difference can be seen in the life they are living and in the attitude that they show as they wade through hard times. 

I want that in MY life as well.  I am ready and willing to learn how to be better, so why stunt that process with pride?  Why bother professing to believe in something and then go about not living a life reflecting that belief?  Hypocrisy does not a disciple of Christ make.  It’s also a blasted nuisance when your own children call you out onto the carpet for being a sourpuss when things don’t go as planned.

Child: “Mom, I need some attention here!”

Me: “Go away!  I’m writing in my blog about how I need to be a better parent!”

My last thought comes from Elder Clark, who spoke at the last General Conference for the LDS church in October.  He stated that we NEED greater spiritual power – that what we currently have is NOT enough to see us through the times we are living in.  I feel this is true in my life.  I know I need more than I’ve got right now.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to reassign meanings to the acronym “ADD”, starting with the letter A.  “Attention” is now officially “Attitude”.  The other letters will come as I continue to study and ponder these concepts.  But for now, “Attitude” is a great place to start.

Perhaps having a household full of marvelous distractions is God’s way of pushing me to seek after that greater spiritual power.  Because without that greater strength and positive outlook, I know I’m not going to make it through my own "wilderness of affliction".

You can quote me on that.

Loving Tangents and Bedtime Stories

As I'm typing this, my first blog post, with my youngest snuggling happily by my feet under the desk, his hand twirling the bottom cuff of my pant leg in a bedtime ritual that is soothing to both mom and baby, it seems apropos to begin with a bedtime story.

Once upon a time there was this really interesting guy named Bruce.  He fell in love with a quirky gal known far and wide as Liz.  After a short but very sweet courtship and engagement, marriage vows ensued, followed by five sweet and wonderfully fascinating offspring we like to call our kids.
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We LIKE to call them our kids, but in my family that could lead to some heated debate.  As all good nerdy-nerds know "kids", after all, are technically baby goats.  Being precise and saying what you mean is practically an Olympic sport in these parts, so you'd better be ready to defend your meaning if you don't want to end up wading through a massive digression to get back to what you were trying to say as you defend your choice of syntax and vocabulary...

But I digress.

Our kids have taken us on an amazing and terrifying - amazingly terrifying? - journey.
And 2015 has been no exception.  In fact it has been quite the landmark year of important discovery for my family.  For example, my husband and I have discovered that watching our favorite 80's movies with our kids is a pretty serious letdown, given their bewildered and bored expressions.  But more importantly, our family of seven now has 5 clinically diagnosed ADD individuals.

What does that mean anyway...that we're all quirky, related and bored?  And what are we supposed to do now?  Do we medicate, invest in "Big Oil" (I love my peppermint oil...what else have they got lurking in that pungent bag of theirs?), eat everything whole like the Europeans do (Swiss chocolate, anyone?) or do we shrug our shoulders and just run with it, maybe applying "a little trick here" and "a little Toblerone there"?

And what about the remaining two who so far have not been diagnosed?  I would be surprised if the baby escapes a diagnosis, given his behavior thus far.  So will my daughter go back to the doctor next week and come back with another Paulin family ADD diagnosis?  If she isn't will she then feel like the black, no wait, the WHITE sheep of the family?  What DOES not fitting in with ADD people look like and how does one rebel, if need be?  Maybe she'll grow up and write a documentary about her experience, calling it "Driven to not fly off into a tangent during a conversation".

Poor kid.